Every year around the holidays, gift-buying dread sets in. When not watching holiday movies high to distract ourselves, we spend hours scouring websites searching for the perfect item to surprise our families, Sig Os, and coworkers with.
Knowing our desperation, some retailers take advantage of us and take it way too far. While “whimsy” is appreciated, it feels like some stores are just straight-up trolling us, like we don’t get enough of that on the daily. They want all of our money for some of the most ridiculous items—ones that people with bills to pay would never actually purchase. These products are strictly for those with way too much money and not enough discerning taste. So, lock your coins away safely like you do your stash, because we refuse to let you buy any of these very real gifts. (The links to retailers are for browsing and confirmation only, just so you know we’re not trolling you!)
Walk-on Role in the Smash Broadway Musical “Waitress” ($30,000)
The Neiman Marcus Fantasy Catalogue is all about adults paying big money to live out their wildest dreams. But, this gift makes us nervous just thinking about it. There’s way too much at stake to mess up—including the loss of your child’s college fund!
Silver Cross Balmoral Pram ($3,999.99)
Instantly look like you’re toting around a ghost baby while also correcting everybody that what you’re pushing is “actually called a pram.” If you look closely at the ashen faces of the model parents, you can see in their eyes the reflections of the ghost baby and the mob of peasants who were pushed over the edge by the sight of a baby carriage worth more than their lives.
Hammacher Schlemmer Human Powered Car ($60,000)
You could send your kid to college...or you could drive around town making everyone shake their heads as you whoosh by in this seated version of a minecart. Oh, you can afford to do both? No matter how much money you make in your lifetime, please don’t buy this.
Judith Leiber is known for making some crazy handbags, and that’s cool, but we can’t get behind this. There’s something really creepy about anybody spending six grand on a bejeweled purse made to look like a children’s toy. It doesn’t even look like it is big enough to hold a cell phone!
Anthropologie Vestige Bathtub Caddy ($168)
How can they sell a literal sample from a flooring store as a bath caddy? How can they only make it one size? How?! Anthro says the oak wood is “salvaged from 19th century barns,” which raised the question, did they destroy historic barns for these?
The Wooden Palate Black Fumed Oak Three Dip Board ($395)
Goop has never been a place for thrifty shoppers, but this dip board is over the top. Each tiny dip hole looks to hold about five calories of cheese, or six tiny raw almonds. What we’re saying is, like this website, the holes on this dip board are shallow!
Maison Margiela Alpaca Ankle Boots ($1,970)
We’re all for high fashion and couture, but these hooves, er, boots were not made for walkin’—they were made for jumping on rocky cliffs in the Alps.
In a perfect world, a bizarre DJ would take this to a nightclub to do their set. In reality, anyone who owns this is most likely going to talk your ear off about component quality and the science of sound. They will have to play one of these bangers to keep you awake.
Williams-Sonoma Kiva Cheese Knives Set ($225)
Millennial women love crystals. All women love cheese. And every person on Earth wants to feel like they’re rock climbing when they’re cutting cheese. Put them together, and Williams-Sonoma got the idea for this ugly and craggy set of knives that looks painful AF to use.
Urban Outfitters Waving Pizza Costume ($198)
From the description: “Because pizza doesn’t have hands. BUT. Now it does. Morph into everyone’s fave food wit [sic] this pizza costume, complete with gloves.” They must be mocking us with this 100 percent polyester suit at that price. FYI, a simple Amazon search yielded hundreds of pizza costumes in the $18–$25 range.
Claire Downs is a writer and comedian based out of Los Angeles. She's written for Nickelodeon, VH1, Funny or Die, and Hello Giggles. You can follow her on Twitter @clairecdowns. She prefers Indica to Sativa, in case you're wondering.