Let’s be honest: Late at night, when the munchies hit, you’ll eat pretty much anything. You walk into the same gas station you stumble into for coffee every morning, and suddenly you’re feasting your eyes on a garden of delights. But just because you’ll eat anything when you’re high doesn’t mean you have to, or that you’ll become a beached whale. Not all foods are created equal, even in your least discerning state. Some foods feel made for post-smoke snacks. With that in mind, let’s celebrate the greatest fast food items in stoner history.
Double Down (KFC)
Wikipedia refers to the Double Down as a “pseudo-sandwich,” which is the funniest thing ever. The geniuses at KFC R&D earned their year’s salary in a day when they came up with the idea that maybe, just maybe, sandwiches don’t require bread. Instead of all of those useless carbs, the Double Down smashes “bacon, two different kinds of melted cheese, and the Colonel’s secret sauce” between two pieces of chicken.
Doritos Locos Taco (Taco Bell)
Ever since the first orange dust was blasted onto a tortilla chip, Doritos have been a friend to smokers everywhere. Considering Taco Bell is an establishment best enjoyed when stoned out of your gourd, this partnership makes sense. You can keep your sneaker collabs—for our money, the best meeting of the minds in recent history took place when chip met taco.
Animal Fries (In-N-Out)
In-N-Out is a beloved West Coast establishment because they keep it simple, stupid. The menu has little more than burgers and fries, but one of the greatest gifts they have given the stoner community is Animal Style. If you order Animal fries or burgers, you are adding cheese, grilled onions, and spread (ketchup, mayo, and relish) to your delicious dish. Rumor has it that some locations will do a burger Monkey Style, putting the animal fries right on top of your burger. We are not worthy of such earthly delights.
Stoner Burrito (Del Taco)
This West Coast taco chain is known as a stoners’ paradise. In case there was any doubt that Del Taco actively caters to customers with bloodshot eyes, you need look no further than the secret menu. At SoCal locations, you can order the stoner burrito, which stuffs french fries in your bean and cheese burrito.
There are many great frozen treats at fast food restaurants, from the McFlurry to the BK Oreo shake, but the Frosty is the GOAT. With its slightly melted consistency and cheap price point, it is the perfect late-night treat. Many a stoner has been known to dip fries in their Frosty, which was the sweet-salty move before sweet and salty was cool.
Orange Chicken (Panda Express)
The luckiest among us know the joys of having a hole-in-the wall Chinese place a stone’s throw from your apartment. Panda Express orange chicken is the next best thing. These succulent morsels offer the perfect combination of sweet and spicy. And radioactive orange.
20-Piece Chicken McNuggets (McDonald’s)
Yes, you’ve been eating these since you were angling for the perfect Happy Meal toy. That doesn’t change the fact that five bucks for 20 semi-chicken-like morsels is the best calorie delivery system money can buy. Facts are facts: After smoking nugs, nothing beats the 20-piece nug.
Crave Case (White Castle)
A suitcase of burgers: It’s hard to find a more appealing phrase in the English language. White Castle’s sliders, available with chicken, fish, or as a classic burger, are a stoner staple, and when you haul that suitcase into the parking lot, you will be a hero.
Written on September 09, 2016 by
Brenden Gallagher works in television and writing in Los Angeles. He worked on Revenge, Heartbeat, and Famous in Love. His writing has appeared at Complex, VH1, and MERRY JANE. Follow him on Twitter @muddycreekU